u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Sober January is a disaster.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
