Taylor Swift is so right about you.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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