If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
