we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
