My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
