if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
