Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
wanna go halves on a baby?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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