hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
