Cold hands, warm shart.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
