yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
