did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
