My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
