Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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