I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
