I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he was CRYING into my vagina
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
