can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
All the doctor said was why
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
