I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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