did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
