i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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