Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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