and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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