found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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