just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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