I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I skipped work to stalk him.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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