I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
