Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
