I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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