after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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