It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
