Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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