I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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