Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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