Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
