i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
