He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
