I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Randomize
