grandma shit on top of the toilet
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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