I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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