I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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