i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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