I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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