I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
