my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
