I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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