She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
