I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
