i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
