ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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