After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
