her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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