no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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