i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
